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EDITION
The Onion
Friday, November 22, 1963
FINEST NEWS SOURCE IN AMERICA
Price Seven Cents
KENNEDY SLAIN CIA,
АНА, CASTRO, [В]
TEAMSTERS, FREEMASONS
President Shot 129 Times from 43 ‘Different Angles
DALLAS,
Parkland Hospital, where
Kennedy was
ted Fri
tors with ties to Johnson's inner
day operatives of the СТА, the
performed
staged
crime syndicate,
autopsy
They pronounced
о, Vice President Johnson.
8 CST
the
and the
‘The body was then
sters as he rode through
treated
Hoover and.
town Dallas in a motoreade
to
put in a decoy casket for
According
eyewitnesses,
port to Roswell
New Mexico.
Kennedy's limousine had just
There, space aliens
entered Dealey Plas
the
teal
technology
the|
president wai
129 times
dite
man
sealed
abdomen, arms,
к
0 wounds.
Ken.
feet, back and tace nedy's was the
reani
nfire. The sho
began at| mated and rushed
Germany
1
30 and tasted until 1243
for an emergency meeting with
ртс
the frozen brain of Adolf Hitler,
8
all, 43 have been| After the meeting, Kennedy
tak
the custody of the| aides
plans for the
two
4
Dallas police,
Prel
leaders’ sperm cells to be
У indicate atomically sustained, planted in
for the
the womb of aspiring actress
pee
me ayndicate fired
Judith Сатрь
grassy knoll, CLA
а
of
fired from an office building
conquerors
off the parade route,
According to inves
the
The motorcade, itis besieged over three dozen gun-wielding
uban
onal
fired from
assassination
are to have
overlooking beea carefully planned and саг
24, an elite hit squad working ried out in strict
President Jimmy with toth the Skul
«Johnson Vows to Honor Kennedy’
Hotta fired from perches atop Blood Rite and Masonic “Killing
als
‘oak tree, a “lone nut! fired from of the King”
|Метогу Taking Plump Young Mistress
the Book Depository,
found several hundred
DALLAS
Tex
sha
ow-government
sharp
weapons with
fou
Lyndon|
shooting team fired
irom behind
of the
Baines Johnion took the oath of
а wooden fence, a
of inelud
telescope
4 aboard Air Force One
husbands fired from
herby
Magnum
rifles,
Dallas’
Love
veld
day to
13 on the
bolt-action car
become the pre
dent of the
walk
route, а hitman
subi
chine United States
working
fired trom
sian
Kalishnikov| After flying to
hington,
sewer grate over which the assault rifles, and one
Johnso
attempted to calm the
and
Texas
The assembled killers were
of the nation
limousine passed,
John
onn
or
that
Kennedy's
lunged at tak
tody at| Americans
policies at
ome and abr
the president trom
in
the City
‘As they were
‘would be continued,
limousine
the| being
the county
John
on said,
throat with a comba
prison
however,
43 were
on his
shot and killed Jack Ruby
would be to take a plump young
The mortally wounded presi
52
Has-area
ove
den
was
sped
nearby owner
your remorse,
fear not.
7
good people
America, for 1 40
4;
not plan to desecrate the great
vision
of the man
came
me
Johnson
said
Family at
Rather
reverence
and
him
Home-Movie Screening
deep
ntinuation of his
through
The
family
of
Abraham wowed Zapruder’s
pectac
policies
Zap
der of
Has offered high ular,
of
1 will be
essor's|
the of and a vow